Middle of the night peeing-check
extreme hunger-check
8 week sonogram with heartbeat-check
random crying spells with nothing wrong-check
growing waistline-check
But... (you knew it was coming or I wouldn't have used the passed tense up there on line one)...
11.5 week check up, 3 days away from the "safety" zone, showed the baby had no heartbeat and probably died a few days after the 8 week sonogram.
We were literally hours away from buying that double stroller and taking our "announcement" pictures. We were cancelling vacation plans for the summer and dreaming about new baby names. We had reserved our spot in daycare for next year and started making plans for my mom to travel up to take care of me after the c-section.
Even now, three months after "the" bad news, I sigh a deep sigh and wipe away a tear of sadness.
The holiday's were difficult. My dreams of being fat and pregnant by the Christmas tree knowing that the following year we would have two. Watching beautiful Addison play with the presents and realizing we so desperately wanted another one just as perfect and loveable as she is. How could we feel the joy of the season when our loss was so sharp?
The questions about "why us" come back to the surface. The loss of our hopes again and again and, literally, again. It gets easier, though, it really does. But never easy. When we lost baby number 1, I was angry and bitter for months! When we lost baby number 2, I was heartbroken and devastated. When we lost this baby, I was hurt and sad.
I don't think the sadness will ever truly go away, but in time comes perspective.
 |
| Here she is, perspective. |
And so, for Christmas Jason surprised me with ruby jewelry--and adoption paperwork!
Here we go again! The second journey into parenthood has begun. We don't anticipate that lightening will strike in the same way that it did with Addison but we are willing to wait for him/her. We don't have a clue how we will afford to adopt but we are willing to trust Jesus. We don't know if we will get to be involved with the birth or pre-birth but we are willing to let go of control. We simply don't know anything but we are excited!
Logistically, we are at the very beginning stages of adoption. Because it has been over a year since our last home study, we have to have new background checks and new interviews. These things take time. We have in the applications and have sent off our fingerprints to the state. There are a few pieces of paperwork that need to be filled out on our end and some checks to get written.
You can help by praying for-
the birth mom to make the choice for adoption,
the birth mom to be healthy and keep in a safe, healthy environment,
the paperwork to be quick and painless,
the money to be there when we need it,
us to be patient and open to God's leading, and
10 fingers and 10 toes and all the other healthy parts.
Really, we can't thank you enough for being there for us in our journeys. Yippee!
