This last year has been the hardest year of my life. Adoption is hard. It is a beautiful, ugly, soul-ripping, healing, confusing, enlightening, angering, life-giving time. There is not one feeling whose counterpart I haven't felt in the subsequent 24 hours.
We almost didn't make it. Truth.
There are times still when we don't want to make it. Truth.
I've never been a worse person. Truth.
Between this blog and the last one, I've written a variety of blogs that can't express our journey or shouldn't be shared because they are the product of a damaged person. But, I'm finding my way home to a healthy heart (notice the -ing on finding indicating progress not completion).
For the first few months I hung to the word hope. I felt it was my anchor through the chaos. Life was chaos just think seven virtual strangers living in a home together then add three traumatized kids, parents learning to balance five kids, and two toddlers whose whole world just became a tossed salad when they don't even like veggies. I mean how do you even do laundry for seven people?! But I held on to the fact that there was hope.
Around month seven, I lost my grip on hope and I sunk deep into the waters. I was helped to the surface by friends who endured tearful, complaining phone calls; friends who took our children; my husband whose arm is sore from holding me up; a college student with three horses; a trip away to visit family; and the body of Christ in the form of multiple women's groups who made meals, prayed, and hugged me when they didn't even know why.
At month 10, (October, people, that wasn't that long ago...) we decided to get a kitten and a puppy at the same time. It was too much. The kids were absolutely crazy and the animals were crazy. I broke in half. Split down the middle. I cried from the moment the kids went to school until the moment they came home. I didn't have the energy to get out of the shower. I slept on the floor in a heap. I hid it, of course. Something had to go and it wasn't going to be the new animals...
And there, at month 10, when nothing was left, I got a new word: Immanuel.
God with us.
It's a word for where I was.
It's a word for where I am.
It's a word for where I am headed.
I can't use words to explain my Immanuel. I can't use them because I can't even fully understand it myself. I just know I am not alone. He is present and active and has been the whole time. And you know what else, Immanuel doesn't mean God with ME it means God with US.
My whole family.
He is with Shiloh when she wants to be held and can't be.
He is with Addison when she needs security in a scary world.
He is with Kumba as she finds herself different from her classmates.
He is with Kai as his knowledge is growing faster than his ability to understand.
He is with Gifty when she navigates learning about emotions that she has never been allowed to use.
He is with Jason as he maintains leadership and stability.
He is with me when five kids all want my attention at the same time and I'm making dinner and the puppy is peeing on the floor and the laundry just buzzed and the phone is ringing...all at the same time.
He is with them when I am not.
He is here. He is with me. He brings peace in the chaos. He even sends someone to bring cinnamon rolls on the same day you thought you were going to get to make some and couldn't.
He knows. He is Immanuel.
Part 2 of this blog.
One year(ish) update.
Gifty has grown the most. Probably because of her age, she has seemingly suffered the most trauma. And, who can tell what is being 12 and what is being traumatized. She is learning about emotions and how to handle them appropriately. She is also learning so much in school. Because her schooling was so inconsistent, she is probably three years behind in learning knowledge. But, she is a hard worker and wants to do well and so she is doing well. She has also grown tremendously in her physical stature growing nearly 5 inches since coming to America...I blame it on the increase in proteins and veggies. She has also started playing the trombone in school.
Kai's sweet nature just continues to blossom. He has also grown like a weed with also close to 5 inches and 3 shoe sizes. He loves to be outside mostly riding his bike and playing with the puppy. His curiosity never ends and he is learning how to phrase the questions to get across what he really wants to know. We are going to have to tell him the truth about Santa soon because his questions are just too smart.
Kumba is a typical kid through and through. She is silly, scatter brained, playful and intimate. I haven't had a chance to check her height but I do know her pants are way too short! Kumba wants to be quiet and intimate. She prefers to play alone with Addison or to have me read her a book while she snuggles. Don't get me wrong, she is full of energy and causes plenty of kid-like mayhem, but if the other kids are busy she doesn't miss a moment to have that one-on-one that she must have craved in the orphanage.
Addison is a ray of sunshine and still just as girly as they come. Kindergarten is a snap for her and we have already had to find ways to challenge her quick thinking mind. She is starting to create her own "plays" and creates costumes to fit whatever character persona she wants to try on. She has really blossomed in her compassion towards others and her ability to communicate needs and kindness. She has shown curiosity about Jesus and heaven but her long-term plan for now is to turn six and then stay that way forever while she lives with us. A good plan, I think.
Shiloh has the biggest heart and a gentle manner-most of the time because she is three after all. She absolutely loves preschool where she gets to be social and active. Just in the last couple of months she has developed her creative play and imagination muscles and they are going strong. She is either dressed up as a ballerina or wearing her halloween cat costume.
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